The Car Ride Home
I consider myself a very hard worker. I make a deliberate point to help the people that I can and always complete any task that has my name attached to it with 100% effort. And because of that, my days have ended in pure exhaustion. I was always so ridiculously tired when I was leaving work. It was weird because I had all the energy at work only 15 minutes before I got into my car. It was just always at that point when I sat down, put the key in the ignition, and knew that I was beginning my 32 minute ride home, that my energy tanked.
My mother and I had developed a routine and I would call her on my way home. I noticed that I was becoming extremely irritable at the questions she would ask me about work. Every single day and without hesitation, she would ask “How was your day?”. I always responded in a drained and deep tone, “It was another day, Mom.” She almost always concluded with “It’ll get better, Jazz.” At that time, I didn’t see the upside of what I was going through. Work was kicking my butt and I hadn’t yet developed a strategy and routine that kept me organized to create necessary order.
So let me provide a little context. At this point I had served 9 years as an enlisted Military Police Soldier. In 2019, I earned a full ride scholarship from the Army and was able to attend Georgia Southern University. I had very minimal military responsibilities that I had to honor. After graduation, I returned to the Army as a Military Intelligence Officer. So, with that said, I had a lot to re-learn and get used to.
Looking back, I think that the real struggle was my lack of realistic expectation. I was holding myself to a standard that just didn’t make any sense. Returning to the Army, I expected to be at the proficiency level that I was at when I left active duty back in 2019. I put unnecessary stress on myself, and I brought that stress home. Jalen and Midnight (our Rottweiler) felt the effects of my stressful days.
One day, something just clicked, and I thought “why not do something to decompress on the way home; why not listen to audiobooks on the way to and from work and squeeze a productive habit into my busy schedule.” Y’all, I seriously can’t even explain the depth of benefit this had on me. It had a lot to do with the books I chose, but I was able to get my mind off of the shenanigans that were going on around me. I was able to escape to the places that I imagined myself being in the future wearing my MAGIC uniform (Mattie James book reference). I honestly couldn’t get enough of it. I found my happy place.
3 Audiobooks That Have Helped Me Escape
“The Light We Carry” by the former First Lady Michelle Obama
Oh, how I love Michelle Obama. Her being and all that she stands for has helped me to see the places I could go since 2008 when the United States of America elected their first Black president. She is so poised and fashionable with a presence that is unmatched. In this book, she spoke about decoding fear in the second chapter. This chapter and everything she said spoke to me because I knew that there was no way that I would be where I am in life if I was scared and fearful. She said, “your world would be narrowed because of it.” You should’ve seen my face when I hear her say that. I was looking dead at the radio because she was talking to me! She was speaking to the hesitancy that I let surface in my becoming of a commissioned officer, a writer, an advocate for women; all based on the negative reaction I worried that people would have and potential failure.
“Feeding the Soul (Because It’s My Business): Finding Our Way to Joy, Love, and Freedom by Tabitha Brown
Tabitha Brown reminds me of one of those Black Aunts that tell you like it is, corrects you on the thing you know you had no business doing, and then gives you a big hug after. Throughout her entire book, she speaks with her thick southern accent and uses small nuances to bring character to her book. I loved it, it made me feel at home. She calls the readers “honey” a lot, a term of endearment I am so very familiar with. In chapter 1 titled “Your Gifts, Your Business” she asks “what gifts do you have that you aren’t using?” This stuck out to me because for a long time, I didn’t really think that I was talented. I’m not good at any sport and I don’t draw. For a long time, I thought that things like sports and art were the only things considered to be talents. But one thing I know for sure is that I can lead, motivate, and inspire young women to do better for themselves. That is my passion and that is my purpose, so that is my talent. I’m going to use it.
“Everyday MAGIC: The Joy of Not Being Everything and Still Being More Than Enough” by Mattie James
Mattie oh Mattie! Mattie James has held me accountable from a distance since COVID. I came across her Instagram account while stuck at my mother’s house in South Carolina due to in-person classes being cancelled because of the pandemic. I was amazed at all the things she managed to do. She was a wife, a mother to 2 children at the time, and a full-time influencer. It is through her that I kept the thought that I can make time to do the things I need to do, surfaced in my head. When I learned that she was writing a book, I was so eager to get it. I’m more than halfway through it now, and it is just as expected. She puts things that we misunderstand as complex and makes it quite simple and easy to grasp. She discusses how time is MAGIC in the sixth chapter. “Getting an early start to spend time with myself matters” she says. I instantly thought about the time that I could carve out of my day for myself. With that thought in mind, I’ve made it a non-negotiable to go to the gym before the mandatory physical fitness I have to do for the Army. I’ve also had to drag myself out of my office at work during lunch and go get fresh air instead of powering through to finish tasks. The time I get with myself is cherished and it’s priority.
These books did so much for me and it made me believe again. Sometimes we need those outside sources from people that we can relate to that give us that boost of encouragement. Yes, I found mine in books. If that encouragement and/or small moment to escape looks different then so be it. Whatever it is, hold it close and use it often.